I guess it’s nice to just get things off your chest but : depression

But I hope you get help. If no one wants to listen, people let you down, you hate your mundane life, question how other people are happy, hate yourself, can’t seem to quiet those thoughts, etc.

I genuinely hope you seek change and help. I’ve rode that pony way more times then I’ve ever wanted to. Who am I kidding, I still crave misery every now and then still. And who knows, I might just saddle back up one day – only to fight for my life again.

I didn’t start truly changing until I seeked professional help as an adult. I thought it was all bullshit. I’ve been on every medication – spoke with half the therapists in the tri state area. I thought it was never going to work. Then I found a great wellness center that directed me to outpatient services. I was dedicated to bettering myself. They put me on lamictal for bipolar 2 (less manic episodes – deep deep depressive months) and bpd. When I first heard my “diagnosis” I though to myself, wow I’m crazy. There’s something wrong with me, I am the label they gave me.

Which was a fat lie!!! I realized I’m whoever I choose to be, and it just so happens this medication makes life a lot easier for me. I also did EMDR therapy for a few sessions. That helped with a lot of trauma experienced throughout my childhood. It hurt like hell.. but it worked for me.

I could sit here and tell you all these great things, but it was far from that. I still have bad days.. things I obsess over. But I don’t want to give up, I won’t leave this world without a fucking fight. I’m tired of self loathing, sitting around, waiting.

I want to share my brutal opinion – Please do not take this offensively or personally.

No one gives a fuck!!! No one gives a fuck about you!!! Your family, friends, partner, etc could hurt or leave you. That’s the cold hard fucking truth, most people are self serving individuals. THATS WHY YOU HAVE TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOURSELF!!! Because no one else will, people don’t care if you crash and burn. Your funeral will be sad at first, you’ll be missed but just like everything else time passes and shit fades away. Why not show myself and others – I’m stronger then they think. I can do anything I want – I can sit here and stay upset or I can change it.

Stay strong and fuck the people that hurt you. Love yourself, take care of yourself.

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