So I attempted to make a put up over on r/offmychest, however for some motive it wasn't displaying up on the subreddit. I messaged the mods about it however after virtually two weeks I haven't gotten any reply. This is kind of only a x-post for a put up that was by no means really posted. I haven't been on this sub a lot and didn't see something on the sidebar or a stickied put up in regards to the subs guidelines, so I hope thats okay.
I don't need to come off as if i'm simply in search of consideration, however I don't have anybody else to speak to about this.
Its very late the place I’m so if anybody leaves a remark I received't be capable to reply till possibly tomorrow afternoon. I'll attempt to reply earlier if i can.
I'm going to be 23 years outdated; I’ve no pals, and haven't had any since elementary faculty. I’ve by no means been in any sort of romantic relationship or been in love with anybody. (I'm additionally a virgin, however that doesn't hassle me almost as a lot) My solely actual social interplay is with my mom, who I nonetheless reside with. (principally as a result of she wants my assist with paying groceries and such, and in addition as a result of making an attempt to speak to her about shifting out simply ends in a struggle) After I spent my final birthday alone, I made a promise that I might off myself if I couldn't get my shit collectively by the subsequent one.
After I'm at work all I can take into consideration is killing myself. I hold having these fantasies the place I shoot myself in entrance of all my coworkers. One other I typically have is of me going into the kitchen and slicing my throat open with our bread knife. At this level I doubt I'd ever really undergo with it, however I get so overwhelmed with emotion that I simply want some type of catharsis to get via the day. When it will get actually unhealthy I'll sneak off to the toilet and hit myself within the leg repeatedly or begin biting my hand. I typically want I might do one thing like taking pictures myself within the head however reside via it. Attending to really feel a bullet pierce my cranium after which come out the opposite aspect could be very cathartic I'd think about.
The one feelings I ever really feel anymore are anger and unhappiness. I can nonetheless snort at a joke and shit like that, however no matter happiness it brings is fleeting.
Recently I've been dropping my mood at work. Its embarrassing and makes me really feel horrible afterwords, however I simply get so far the place I can't maintain it in anymore. I don't actually hate my job in any respect, or my coworkers. I really sort of prefer it. The reality is that each one this emotional bullshit stems from my very own failures that i'm not robust sufficient to handle.
I don't perceive how I let my life get this pathetic. I don't perceive how I've by no means been capable of type something resembling an intimate, emotional relationship. It hasn't been for an absence of making an attempt. I hold considering again to center faculty, to how irrespective of how onerous I attempted, nobody would give me an opportunity. I want I might meet them immediately and simply ask what I did flawed.
I need to expertise friendships earlier than its too late. Fundamental shit like going out to eat or staying up late simply speaking about no matter. Simply having fun with every others firm, sharing experiences collectively. I'm almost midway via my twenties and don’t have anything to indicate for it, no actual experiences or tales to inform. Once you attain you're late twenties/early thirties individuals begin to have children, careers, you don't actually get to have pals at that time. At the very least not in the identical manner. That is my solely likelihood left and each hour of day by day I'm dwelling I'm losing.
I don't even suppose I might be pleased with pals or romance at this level, they'd most likely stress me out. However I don't actually care about being pleased a lot anymore. It feels pointless to chase some fleeting emotion when some chemical stability in my mind is simply going to make me depressing it doesn’t matter what. But when I had these issues I might at the least be regular. I believe that's all I really need at this level, to be a standard individual that isn't a waste of life.
The one time I can consider the place I used to be persistently pleased was fourth grade. I had a pleasant group of pals, I had a trainer that had a whole lot of religion in me and my future, I used to be optimistic about how life was going to play out. Again then I beloved drawing and writing tales. I bear in mind my trainer used to learn them to the category and he or she would let me showcase all my dumb drawings. She advised my mother as soon as that she would learn them to her children at evening earlier than mattress. By center faculty I had stopped drawing and writing. I by no means actually did something between center and highschool truthfully. I attempted actually onerous to slot in throughout center faculty and with highschool I did my finest to only mix into the background.
For the previous couple of years I've been making an attempt to get again into this stuff, to try to reignite some sort of inventive drive. I can't write for shit and might solely draw adequately nicely, and I can barely encourage myself to work at both. A part of me nonetheless desires to try to do some form of inventive undertaking, however I’ve no actual creativeness anymore. I’ve a couple of concepts that I like however they're all half-baked and I can't for the lifetime of me flesh them out into something distinctive or attention-grabbing.
I additionally really feel like I'm too outdated to do something like that. There are a whole lot of artist that I love and look as much as that find yourself being a great three to 4 years youthful than me. And those that aren't the place that age after they began. Once you're younger doing one thing like a webcomic or simply messing round with writing could be charming. But when it isn't one thing you will have been persistently doing and also you're like 24 then I really feel it could come off as bizarre. individuals cease seeing it as cute after that.
I don't even need to do this type of factor for one thing fame or no matter. If I made one thing I doubt I might even share it on-line. (besides possibly as a solution to make pals) At this level I really feel like I simply want some form of emotional outlet, however I'm not sensible sufficient to translate something I really feel into one thing like a narrative or artwork.
I hold considering again to that trainer I had, about how disenchanted she could be to see me on this state. She advised me she believed I might grow to be an animator or comedian artist sooner or later, that I had an excessive amount of expertise and keenness for artwork to not be. If i ever met her once more and he or she discovered who I used to be I might simply kill myself. I wouldn't be capable to deal with the guilt of being such a disappointment.
My mother and grandma hold pressuring me to go to artwork faculty and get some form of job in artwork, as if I can simply do this with the little shred of expertise I’ve. They're incapable of seeing me as something apart from excellent. They continually bathe me in reward for the slightest factor, continually inform me that I'm sensible and good trying and all this dumb bullshit. Its so fucking humiliating and condescending. They've been doing it my complete life. A part of me thinks its all a sham, they know I'm a loser they usually really feel the necessity to say this shit to me as a result of I'm too weak and fragile to deal with the rest. Perhaps deep down they resent me and need to construct me up only for life to knock me down.
I bear in mind after I was in class I might try to discuss to my mother about what I used to be going via. She would simply snort it off and say I used to be over reacting. I used to be really the nicest and friendliest child in class and everybody would need to be my pal. My drawback apparently was that I used to be too mature for my age. I simply needed to wait a yr, then they’d be mature sufficient to see simply how a lot of a candy boy I used to be. She advised me that shit yearly proper up till commencement and I bouht into it each time.
This factor is getting solution to lengthy and I don't actually know easy methods to finish it. I've spent like, 4 days scripting this put up making an attempt to not make it sound like I'm a psychopath. I don't even know why I wrote this within the first place, It hasn't made me fell any higher. I've wasted everything if my teen years due to my terrible social expertise, and now i'm losing my twenties. I really feel damaged and I don't know easy methods to repair myself.
submitted by /u/_Pacal