I actually don’t understand how else to do that as that is my first time however I assume I’d as properly leap proper in
I’ve been extremely depressed for months now and it’s severely taking its toll on my bodily well being. Earlier than I speak about why I’m depressed I simply wished to explain a few of what I’m feeling. Today I get up and take a bathe and whereas I’m having a shower I’ve a panic assault nearly each rattling day. I’m going to high school and I actually HAVE to take heed to music to pressure myself to remain awake and it’s so arduous to do something anymore. At break and lunch I lock myself in a closet and switch the lights off to sit down there and cry as a result of I can’t deal with making eye contact or social interplay with individuals as a result of I really feel like I’m about to burst and cry. After I get dwelling I’ve no urge for food and I’m fully drained. After I pressure meals into my abdomen I’m going in my room to both sleep the ache away or to mindlessly troll the web. Generally it helps generally it doesn’t and I find yourself crying. For the final three weeks I’ve cried for a mean of some hours and it’s gotten so unhealthy that the water and salt depletion from my fixed crying is inflicting me to get extreme muscle cramps together with a pair different medical situations I’ve. I’ve been depressed for a couple of 12 months now and it wasn’t as unhealthy earlier than however I haven’t been in a position to eat for not less than eight months. I dropped 20 kilos this final 12 months just because I can’t eat/ refuse to eat. After ‘dinner’ I begin my hw ( my grades are the one good factor taking place proper now) and I attempt to distract myself or these days I simply cry some extra. I actually can’t sleep as a result of I take into consideration how unimportant I’m to this world and I simply really feel like I’m continually excessive or like I’m a ghost simply drifting daily
Now to speak concerning the the reason why I’m depressed. Technically I first skilled being depressed once I was 13 ( I’m 16 now) as a result of I obtained just a few unhealthy grades in center faculty and I used to be extraordinarily dissatisfied with myself and I assumed that I had failed my dad and mom and another silly junk like that. In hindsight, it was nothing and really naive of me to assume that’s the worst it may get. Talking of my dad and mom nonetheless, they’ve a horrible relationship and I’ve a really unhealthy relationship with them as properly. The one purpose they haven’t divorced but is as a result of they need me to succeed and so they hold blaming me for messing all of it up and their expectations for me are set ridiculously excessive due to my brother who’s an extremely genius. Now don’t get me mistaken I really like that child with all of my coronary heart. He’s my biggest function mannequin and one of many causes I haven’t killed myself but. It’s simply so arduous having all of that strain on me and I’m the youngest in my household so it’s not simply my dad and mom it’s everybody. The expectations are set so excessive for me it makes me need to simply run away and neglect the place I got here from
My anxiousness has reached new heights of greatness. I can’t even take a look at some individuals anymore. I genuinely don’t consider individuals even view me as an individual anymore and it hurts. It hurts probably the most out of every little thing that’s occurred to me. A few of my closest associates have come as much as me at college and have requested me if I even have feelings. That is positively one of many causes I don’t speak to individuals about my issues. I are inclined to cowl up my points with humor so like on days I’m particularly unhappy I’m simply funnier and that i really feel like I’m simply a kind of windup toys that individuals play with. I don’t assume anybody of my associates cares about me and in the event that they do they’ve performed and stated nothing to point out it. It’s gotten to the purpose the place I can’t even look or speak to them with out crying realizing that they don’t care about me
I really feel so scared to inform individuals how I’m feeling as a result of they don’t view me as an actual individual and I don’t matter sufficient to any of them. My worst concern is to inform somebody I’ve wished to leap off the Golden Gate Bridge for a 12 months now and have them simply snort in my face and say it’s not like me to assume that method or different individuals have it worse. I really feel so fucking trash realizing that I’ve come to inform random individuals about my issues as a result of I can’t inform anybody in my actual life. And I perceive that different individuals have it worse than me and comparatively talking I’m fairly lucky it’s simply the increasingly more I’m going on the extra I injury myself and others.
That is the true kicker. I believe I’ve misplaced my greatest good friend. We was so proper earlier than Christmas and someday in January I wanted to be ‘talked off a ledge’ and we deliberate to speak by she fucking forgot about me and pretended like nothing occurred. It sucks as a result of I actually wanted her however I can’t blame her as a result of she doesn’t know my scenario. I’ve solely instructed 2 those that I’m depressed as a result of I can’t belief anybody. I attempted to forgive her however I couldn’t and we’ve continually fought since January after which it lastly hit me. I spotted it was all my fault as a result of I couldn’t let one mistake she made go and I shouldn’t take it as an announcement saying she doesn’t care about me contemplating she doesn’t know my scenario. It’s simply so arduous to neglect. However since we’ve been arguing I really feel like I’ve been changed and after we reached the height of our arguments I apologized for every little thing and she or he stated she wanted to take a break. It’s solely been just a few days however I’m scared that I’ll by no means speak to her once more. She means every little thing to me. Every thing on this world makes me unhappy besides her. She is actually the one one who has made me really feel joyful in the previous couple of months and I even have emotions for her. Like I stated it seems like I’ve been changed. I can’t inform if I drove her away or if she genuinely doesn’t care about me and each time I attempt and give it some thought I’ve a panic assault or begin crying and I simply don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t inform if I ought to simply fully transfer on or if I ought to wait till we’re good and clarify the scenario.
There are solely three issues maintaining me on this planet. My greatest good friend, my brother and the individual I inform every little thing to. I really like my brother and I don’t need to harm him however I really feel like if I die he’ll be advantageous in just a few years. If I discover out that I used to be driving my greatest good friend away I’ll inform her every little thing but when I discover out she simply doesn’t care about me that’ll depart me with two causes to remain on this planet. The individual I inform every little thing to has talked me off of a cliff so many instances and I’m so grateful that I can name him my good friend. He’s certainly one of my greatest associates however I’m not certainly one of his and that doesn’t trouble me surprisingly however it goes to point out that I’m simply not essential to individuals. I really like him tho and he’s helped me a lot. He stated the one method he could be happy with me killing myself was if I went to a therapist and get antidepressants and assist and if I’m nonetheless struggling then he wouldn’t pressure me to remain alive. I really feel so horrible for placing all of my issues on him however I simply want somebody to not less than fake they care about me.
Now I want some help. The one purpose I need to attempt remedy is as a result of I by no means need to harm my greatest good friend once more however I’m scared. I don’t need to put all of my issues on one other individual and I really feel unhealthy about it. I already really feel responsible sufficient for tormenting the individual I inform every little thing. I simply don’t perceive why it’s so arduous for individuals to care about me. I need assistance deciding if getting assistance is price it or if I ought to simply finish all of it. I don’t even know if I actually do need to get higher. I debate ending my life or struggling for the remainder of it. I additionally need assistance deciding if I ought to transfer on from my greatest good friend or if I ought to attempt to work issues out.
Clearly I really feel horrible about asking a bunch of strangers for assist. This can be a second of unbelievable weak spot and I apologize for losing your time. I’m only a common 16 12 months previous male with no actual points as in comparison with a few of you of us on her and I really feel unhealthy about doing this however I’m at a degree the place I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. Thanks for listening and thanks to your time.
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