I have been seriously doubting my friendship with my best friend and the relationship with my parents and I believe it’s due to a mixture of anxiety, depression, and trust issues

TL;DR: unsure if my greatest pal, my dad and mom, my aunt and her household love me or care about me. I really feel uncared for and never cared for.

I’ve a greatest pal — name him Jay:

  • I've identified him for 10 years now
  • We moved to a unique continent collectively 5 years in the past
  • We dwell in several states however we at all times saved in contact — we'd textual content and facetime every day to the purpose we'd spend hours simply speaking to one another and neglect different issues we needed to do; his girlfriend says that it's actually cute how we discuss every single day and are such good associates although he feels insecure when she says it as a result of he thinks it's too homosexual lol

Nonetheless, for the previous yr, I’ve severely been doubting our friendship. We stopped speaking a lot and we weren't conscious of what was occurring in one another's lives as a lot as we was once. However we nonetheless take into account one another greatest associates and even brothers. We've instructed one another 'love you' loads of occasions and nonetheless do however I can't shake off this sense that he doesn't actually care about me and let me clarify why:

I've been going by way of a whole lot of stuff this previous yr to the purpose the place I've modified so much (principally for the higher):

  • I went by way of nervousness and despair
  • I went by way of my dad and mom transferring right here and residing with me
  • Obtained hooked on marijuana to the purpose the place I failed lessons for 3 semesters; give up abusing it and slowly engaged on deleting my unhealthy relationship with weed
  • Went by way of loneliness (nonetheless engaged on it) and virtually having no associates
  • Went by way of accepting my sexuality and being snug with who I’m and whom I like

Each single dialog we've had this previous yr has been about him, about his issues along with his girlfriend and his pal/roommate, about his issues along with his uncle and his spouse, about his struggles at school, and about him going by way of a light depressive episode.

I at all times make an effort to know what he's considering and what he's going by way of and at all times ask him how his day is. He doesn't do any of these. I really feel extraordinarily uncared for and this friendship feels one-sided. I preserve telling myself that I’m seeing this from the improper perspective and am not in my proper frame of mind to return to a conclusion whether or not I ought to finish this friendship or not. My thoughts has tricked me loads of occasions earlier than into taking choices that weren’t in my greatest curiosity and I've seen first hand how highly effective a shift in perspective will be so I’m searching for an indication or an opportunity to alter my thoughts's thoughts however each time we discuss, I’m let down and see increasingly indicators that he doesn't care about me or really love me. I really feel like I preserve giving him possibilities to show me improper and he's solely proving me proper. I talked to a different individual about it and she or he talked about that if it's come to the purpose the place I'm doubting our friendship and never feeling cherished anymore, then perhaps it’s true. She went on to say that I’m an incredible individual and I need to have associates that care about me and that's been caught in my head since then.

I do deserve family and friends that care about me and I don't really feel like being the second-hand within the lives of the individuals which might be closest to me.

The identical state of affairs applies to my dad and mom. My sexuality has severely made me doubt whether or not my dad and mom will really settle for me and love me for who I’m. I’ve a robust feeling that my dad really loves me and I’m not being honest to him by not permitting myself to get near him. As soon as I noticed that, I attempted to make up for the time misplaced and am engaged on constructing a stronger relationship with my dad. My mom, however, is the exact opposite:

  • She's self-centered and shallow. I really feel like she doesn't actually love me, she loves the thought of me – of getting a son that can give her grandkids sooner or later.
  • She does these little issues that set off my mind to suppose that she solely cares about herself like repeatedly interrupting me when making an attempt to have a dialog, leaping from one factor to a different in order that it's solely her doing the speaking and never even giving me an opportunity to speak in any respect.
  • I really feel like she has not taken the time or the hassle to know me for who I’m. I hadn't seen my dad and mom for 5 years previous to them transferring right here and I’m taking the time and effort to know them for who they’re now and never who they have been 5 years in the past. I’ve modified so much and grown so much and she or he doesn't care about that.

At this level, I don't have the vitality to place in additional work into constructing a greater relationship along with her – she fully drains my vitality and she or he's such a adverse person who impacts my temper and the way I behave so I’m making an attempt to spend as little time along with her and keep as distant as I can. I truthfully really feel suffocated by my mom

My dad and mom, my aunt and her household, and my greatest pal are the individuals closest to me and but I really feel like I’m not getting the love I would like or deserve. I get extra love from my boss and my coworkers and my professors and new associates that I’m making at college than from my "household".

Am I improper for seeing it this manner? Am I being too egocentric and focusing an excessive amount of on my wants after I ought to be placing extra of an effort into attending to know individuals and constructing an emotional attachment/reference to them and in consequence, construct a friendship or a relationship?

On different different hand, I really feel like I’m losing an excessive amount of time worrying about what different individuals take into consideration me or whether or not they really love me. I ought to simply fucking reduce them off my life and transfer on making an attempt to be pleased. And I might do this in a heartbeat if I have been really satisfied that they don't care about me however my thoughts retains giving me combined alerts.

I don't know what to really feel anymore or what to do. This sense has been hazing me for a complete yr and I really feel caught.

I’m 23 years outdated and I do know what I would like out of a friendship or relationship and this isn’t it. I’m sick of those shallow connections.

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